Colour Commentary

There are some who probably think footie broadcasters are all stodgy Brits, but that's only because they've never heard GolTV's Ray Hudson (who had the call for Ronaldinho's wondergoal last weekend). Even if you don't like soccer, these deserve to be read on their own merit:

• "Celtic choked right at the end; Rangers are dancing the jig, and eating the haggis until it comes out their ears, followed by whisky shots straightaway after the game, and it's marvelous for McLeish. I'm a Rangers man myself, so I had a good belt of whisky after that game."

• "Bruce Arena has to pick these boys up by their jockstraps and put lobsters in their jockstraps because they went down like flies against the Czech Republic, how humiliating to have that happen to a team that was coming out to the world scene seeking respect. What a joke!"

• "That's an absolute exquisite footballer -- MVP, no question. Magnifico! Extraordinario! That should be in high definition! That wasn't just literature, that was Shakespearan beauty! Ah, God, I'm sorry, I love that guy. If I could love a man, I'd love Dwayne DeRosario!"

• "Genius, genius, genius. Absolutely superb strike. And look, not a smile! What makes this guy smile? I mean, come on, Román, give us a look, give us a smile, baby. I mean, is there anything more exquisite in life than watching this man play football? Look at this! Perfection. [...] That is an orgasmic goal, Phil."

• "The Vikings are out; lock up the women and children, because Sweden mean business."

• "In The Exorcist, Satan had control of Linda Blair for most of the movie, and that didn't work out too good in the end."

• "I couldn't put it better myself, whatever the hell 'ickybalookie' means! That's what happening here! Scenes of absolute jubilation for Espanyol! And for myself, impersonally, I can't believe it! I'm not impartial today, I'm an Espanyol fan, I'd hate to say it for the Real Sociedad fans out there and for all the Alavés fans! But this is a team that would not be denied, Espanyol! They kept on hammering at the dam! They were hitting the goalposts, time after time, they kept on believing ... I don't even know who the hell scored!"

• "It'll be real interesting when me and dog are watching the game tonight, and we're looking, and I'll kick him a couple of times. The dog is going to get a couple of kicks because of the chances that I believe we missed."

• "He needs to be on his tippy-toes, like a midget at a urinal."

• "I'd knock him out. Bind and gag him, put him in a safe and send him to the bottom of the ocean. Then maybe I'd be able to contain him."

• "Cannavaro is running around like a three-legged giraffe out there, but it's effective."

• "Ruud Van Nistelrooy says to Lilian Thuram, 'You're my little lollipop here tonight, mate!' "

• "Brad Davis has class coming out of his earholes."